One of my Dumb Ass moments at the beach

Once upon a time when I had this fabulous and glam airine job I ended up in Hawaii......

(if anyone worked for an airline that reads this, we all know THAT's A LIE! There IS NO GLAM at this job....... anyhow......)



Thought I packed everything.... except......



FOR



MY



BIKINI!




Going to HAWAII without my bikini? HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE????????????????

So.............

I looked around Waikiki ----and the prices were attrocious.

I wasn't about to pay $40-$80 bucks for something that can't even cover my little fox terrier's bunghole.....

So I decided I was just NOT going to swim in the water...........



Later on, my friends and I stopped by at the flea market on the way to to the beach........... and much to my SURPRISE I found a good cute bikini for $5.

YIPPPPPPPPEEEEEE!

I was so STOKED!

I can now go swim and catch some sun on the beach!




When we got there, I changed in the bathroom and I thought I looked pretty hot.

I worked out all year and I can finally show off my nice body. No flabs on this chick!

When I came out of the bathroom, some guys were smiling big.....

BIG KOOL- AID GRINS.

On my way down I saw some girls giving me some dirty looks. I thought to myself...

"Boy, I must look FINE, these girls are just eyeing me out with some ATTITUDE! THEY must be JEALOUS......."


I was so proud of myself.... all that excercising paid off!!!!!!!!!!

I looked DANG FINE!

Even the old ladies were staring at me.......

The old men were grinnin....

On the beach, I sat around... lying around... and these guys would come talk to me. One wanted me to play frisbee with him......... wow! I never had that kind of interaction before.......just come to me and asked me to play with him!

So I went and played frisbee with him..... jumping up to catch the frisbee........ stooping down..... running...........

I even got alot of phone numbers too!

I was pretty flattered. My girlfriends didn't say a thing. they were just chatting... looking... checking out the sights and swimming....


But when I got back to the hotel room............... I walked by the mirror that was on top of the dresser. There I got to see why I was so popular.............
MY BIKINI WAS............

SEE THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I really felt like a Dumb Ass and I couldn't sleep that night.

When I asked my girlfriends why they didn't say anything, they told me they don't go around looking at my body parts so......................

Dumb Ass "Santa Surprise" gift

In the past, I worked at a place where we regularly have gatherings ...

co-worker gatherings....

and you kinda bond by bitching about work...

Every year we use to have CHRISTMAS PARTIES!!!!

... and one year someone decided to have those things called a


"Santa's Surprise"


Where you pull a name out of a bag and you are suppose to buy this person something (anonymously) that costs up to a certain amount (usually $10.00)


One day, a friend of mine observed a guy pulling a "very quiet girl" co-worker's name out of the hat. This guy doesn't know how to act socially and is kinda "dense"(read: dumb ass).

He asked my friend what he thought that girl would like. Being honest, my friend said he wouldn't know because she's the "quiet girl" who doesn't talk to anyone that much...

.... he suggested some bath set... some soap or something....

but this guy had other plans...

bigger and better plans........



Soon the party day arrived.....

We all gathered around- eating, drinking, talking story...... and the girl, our gracious preppy co-worker who put the party together announced that we were going to open presents.

OH JOY!

Several people opened theirs and got things like : t-shirts, cheap perfume, soap, candles.....

and now it was time for the "quiet girl" who was sitting by herself to open her present....

She had a soft smile....

The party host announced her name and presented her with the present.... labled " To quiet girl, from Santa"...

Her eyes glowed in anticipation and opened it slowly...


and oddly, it was in a brown box. She opened it and looked puzzled. For a better look she took it out.... for all to see.....









IT was a BIG PURPLE DILDO!














No one heard this girl utter anything except for a few words like "Hi" until that day...

Tears streamed down .....

face was red with embarassment....

she was visibly upset.

"If I FIND OUT WHO DID THIS I'll KICK THEIR ASS" she said...........

everyone at the party was extremely quiet for a while...............


after that day the dumb ass guy was called "Dil" at work.

Another story from Post WW2

My mother has 4 sisters and 1 brother.

The time was somewhere after WW2, where in many places- no one had too many good things to eat and CHOCOLATE was a rarity (ok now with simple inference of thought we can see what's gonna happen but.... )


My mother and 4 sisters were all walking home on a dirt road. (mind you no one was "starving" to death) and one of my aunts sees something glistening on the road.



"Hey that's CHOCOLATE!" she exclaims. Picks the piece up and puts it in her mouth.


her face changes color......

she spits it out fast...







"Oh my GOD, that was SHIT!" she exclaims...

(yes unfortunately, my mother's side seem to have more dumb asses)

A dumb ass Sh*t story

This is dedicated to all those people who have to work with real dumb asses.....
(relayed to me by a friend and I know who this dumb ass is, and I can tell you from experience, he is a real DUMB ASS)



Once upon a time at the airport(where alot of dumb asses seem to be), my friend, another co-worker and a supervisor (the DUMB ASS) were called to the office by the manager.

Now, this Dumb Ass is someone no one wants to work with...when people find out they are going to work with him, they usually call in sick...

(and then of course he is puzzled why no one likes him)

because quite frankly, no one wants to WORK with a DUMB ASS.

Short history how Dumb Ass became a "Stupidvisor"

One day, a small dim tiny light bulb dimmed in his noggin. (tiny because dumb asses only have tiny lights that flicker in their cranium, whereas normal people have 75Watt light bulbs)

"I don't like people telling me what to do and calling me a DUMB ASS for making innocent (actually stupid) mistakes!"

SO he kept on scanning the internal job postings....

looking to see if a supervisor slot opens up....

and one day, his prayers were answered!
.........HALLELUJAH!......

And out of the great superior wisdom of the HR person who "OKAY-ED" his promotion (and a 25 cent WORTHLESS raise...) This DUMB ASS FINALLY BECAME.............

*trumpet noise please*

A
"Stupid-visor"

entiltling him to use his "Official" super-powers to make EVEN BIGGER mistakes that can effect the whole system and cost THOUSANDS of dollars..........

(the left is an "Space Captain" trophy because he deserves it...he's a space cadet who got promoted)

So now there they were, in the manager's office waiting for the manager to appear (as usual).
While waiting, the dumb ass looks on the floor.

"What is that?........" dumb ass mutters with a puzzled look and announces his deduction of what the "that" is.......

"It looks like SHIT"

My friend and his co-worker look at each other, acknowledging telepathicly that dumb ass might possibly do something stupid.... and then looks back at the dumb ass.

Dumb ass decides to pick up this piece of brown thing, studies it for a moment and brings it up to his nose.


and takes a big loooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg SNIFF.


"OH MY GOD!" he exclaims. "IT IS .............SHIT!"

and throws it back down.

The manager lives on a hobby farm and is known to step in shit.... so......... it's like why are we picking up BROWN fecal matter and smelling it to make sure it is SHIT??????

DUMB ASS.

Get Paid to look like a Dumb Ass...

Ok this isn't that funny because I've had jobs where I had to wear STUPID UNIFORMS...

but when I first saw "Hot Dog on a STICK" in my local mall... and the poor girl wearing the uniform.... we both were thinking the same thing....

She looked like a dumb ass in the uniform!

(we were both giggling)

Geez. No wonder the workers here are hiding. That is one embarassing uniform. Almost a Clown but not really.

Oh YES! Ask me to DANCE, dumb ass.

Once I was sitting by the wall, quietly nursing my Long Island Ice tea when suddenly I notice a guy comming over............................................ obviously drunk.


I watched him stumble towards me....................in slow-motion-terror.... I, in great anticipation wondering what this drunk guy is about to do.....


"Hello....." he slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs. While he makes that prolificly profound word, tangible "things" start to regurgitate from that orifice we call a "mouth"...

some white stuff...

with chunks.

IT WAS VOMIT!

Call David Letterman! This guy had talent! Barfing and talking at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-I, squeezed myself as much as I could against the wall, hoping that somehow I would be granted super human powers like the "Flash" and go through walls.

But sorry, this is reality- world full of dumb asses.

"Would you like to dance?" he asks....

by now he noticed his lip had something on it and he wiped it off with the back of his hand....

"Sorry, No...." I replied, relieved he wasn't stepping a step closer.

Sadly rejected, barf boy turns around... and notices an anomily on the ground as he looked down in defeat....

"Oh shit, I stepped in some BARF" he mutters. Annoyed he tries to wipe it off on a bottom of an unoccupied chair and leaves.

Lesson for all: If you are way too drunk, don't attempt to do anything but pass out into "la la " land. You will look much cuter passed out then going around with barf all over yourself. Certainly wins the "Dumb Ass" award for the night.

Another airport DUMB ASS

Again, while working at the airport and supervising some flights, a nice lady asked me for my assisance.

"Could you help me get my luggage out of the luggage locker?" she asked me.

"Sure" I replied. Thinking fast, I recalled there ARE NO LUGGAGE LOCKERS in this part of the airport so I started to wonder....

"Did you store your bag all the way down by XXXX area?" I asked nicely...

"No... there's luggage lockers right here..." she pointed.

Again, I could not believe my eyes.

There, in the EMPTY newspaper stand - was her luggage.

"Now how can I get my bag out! This luggage locker is broken!" she exclaimed.

"Well...." I said empatheticly, "I believe you may have to put another 75 cents in to get it out."

"What a rip off" she muttered.

*no comment*

Someone called our president a Dumb Ass?

Dang! I wonder what he did?

A dumb ass in the plane

Now, we all know that we encounter "Dumb Asses" everywhere. I think that it's prevelant these days at the Airport.

As I scanned "Queen of the Sky" blog, I recalled an incident........

Once I was "non- reving" (a term for using company's "privledge" of using travel benefits -if they provide one) and I observed this Asian gentleman who spoke perfect English while talking to his friends, yet when the flight attendants came around.... he suddenly "forgot" how to speak. It was funny watching him interact with people... choosing to speak English to some.... then pretending like he didn't know anything with others....

The plane was about to land. The captain gives a signal for the flight attendants to prepare for landing. This is when passengers should sit and don't think about stretching their legs or or use the potty. Sit still or just "hold it".

Well moments later I see that we are nearing land. The flight attendants are strapped in and are in brace position for landing. Now who decides to jump up and use the potty? Our friend, mister "I don' t know how to speak English if you are an authoratative figure".

The flight attendant gets up quick (risking her neck, btw) and tells the guy he needs to sit. So he does for a second.... and when the flight attendants straps back in... then guy decides "Oh hell with it!" and jumps into the asile......................

Exactly when the plane lands..................

Bump......

Bump......

Bump.......

Bump.......











Now people, why do you think Airlines have these rules in place? It isn't because they are mean and would like to prevent you from enjoying certain rights like using the bathroom.....

It is to keep you from getting hurt.

Our friend who just "jumped in the asile and pretended not to speak English" fell.....
and tumbled foward........
all the way to first class..........
and hit the wall in the galley.


Instead of going to the potty, he had to go to the hospital.

A dumb ass accident

I was clubbing one night with my girlfriends. It was 1 am.... and we were just beat. (I know, it's early to leave at 1 am... but we start work at 6 am!)

So here I am .... in the car....in my tiny Honda Civic (and luckily sober) with my two girlfriends... in a PARKING STRUCTURE........

(now picture this...)

Infront of us, there was a TOYOTA TACOMA with BIG custom tires. Almost like those you see on "monster trucks".


Behind US was a police car. (Like I said, luckily I practice the designated driver thing... so I don't become a real DUMB ASS or a SAD ASS if someone gets hurt)

I see the driver (a girl younger than we were) WAVE to her friend.... and without LOOKING behind her... backs up.... in a split second I threw my car into reverse but notice the police car was on my bumper! I had no place to move!

And in what seemed like an eternity.... I see these monster wheels ram my bumper (and the dumb ass girl doesn't stop there....) climbs untop of MY BUMPER...
THEN
PROCEEDS to CLIMB ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My two girlfriends (who were now sober) screamed "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Me screaming "YOU STUPID DUMB ASS SONOVABITCH!"

Then she finally figured out her whole back end was ontop of my car and put it in drive, consequently damaging my hood further when her shinny nice chromed bumper dropped on my car with a "thud".

First thing I heard from the cop who was shaking his head...

"I can't believe I saw the whole thing!"

the second cop

"yeah, what a ***********"

:)

My mother, her dumb ass moment

I love my mom to death. At times, however- I wonder what she was smoking.

One day my mom decided to cook a snack. When it was done, you could hear it..... It was nice and sizzzling hot.

And she was HUNGRY.

She decides not to let it cool down, blow on it, or even fan it.... but just throw it in her mouth -
Probably thinking she was going to savor a nice flavor that goes along with something hot and freshly cooked.

so she puts the food NOT in between your teeth to sort of cool it down with just your breath...


but on her TOUNGUE!

(can you say sizzzzzzzzzzzzlllle?)


suddenly she waves her hands franticly. My dad, who watched the whole episode (and is a typical SMART ASS) tells her-

"why don't you put your tounge on the ice tray to cool it down?"

-now mind you.... our ice tray is not the ones you usually see in "wally world" made out of toxic cheap plastics by workers making 10 cents an hour....

NO..............................................

We have the classic good o'l METAL ICE TRAYS! Yes, these ice trays were made to last a life time..........

So in haste, my mother takes the ice tray out and places the flat metal surface on her toungue...where it gets STUCK.

- now she's screaming bloody murder....

She goes to the hospital with an ice tray stuck on her tounge and the doctors couldn't stop laughing.......

Hey Dumb ASS, this isn't YOUR PHONE

Here I was watching some good o'l television when my phone rings.

I answer.

"Hello"

"HELLO" replies a pissed of woman's voice, "IS THIS MY PHONE?"

*****again.... I am thinking..... this can't be possible....a dumb ass calling ME UP....************

"No," I replied annoyingly, knowing that I just missed a really funny part on the television"THIS IS NOT YOUR PHONE!"

Possibly PMSing lady replies "YES IT IS!"

"NO it's NOT!" I replied

***then, an elightening thought***

"Is this 341-XX00" she asks.

"No, it's 341-XX01" I replied.

"Oh sorry, I dialed the wrong number!" she said and hung up the phone gently.

It's always nice having dumb asses interupt your favorite shows........

Another Dumb Ass Moment

Again, when I worked at an airport a BILLION years ago I was stopped by a passenger because she needed "help"

Back then, we were then getting those brand spankin' cool phones what read phone cards installed.(just like the one picutred on the left)

By looking at the lady she was shabbily dressed. Pales in comparison from the days of yore- when people traveled they wore suits.

Now this lady, she was:

1) Barefoot
2) wore a sarong like she's going to the beach (and find out later she's going on a trip)
3) Looked dark and wrinkly, like she was some over cooked bacon or something

Quite possibly, if you looked under Webster's Dictionary for "Hill Billy" her picture might be there.

Nonetheless I held my breath in great anticipation, wondering what she is about to ask me..............


"I can't get this DOLLAR BILL into the PHONE!" she yelled at me in frustration, holding a crinkled George Washington in her hands.

I just could not imagine where she may have been inserting this dollar bill. I started to hypothesize where ...but no... couldn't be! She had to jus show me...

"could you show me where you had been putting this dollar in at?" I asked...

Then she proceeds to show me EXACTLY WHERE. RIGHT INTO WHERE the PHONE CARDS were suppose to be used at. There is even a nice semiotic sign, a picture of a card, with the magnetic strip facing up and an arrow........ pointing where you are to insert a CARD.

I told the lady sorry, if she didn't know, I didn't know either. (so we both equally looked like dumb asses, so I don't make her feel bad for being a dumb ass).

Dumb Asses with Dumb asses in Training

I use to work for an Airline once... now an Airline work is the place to be if you want to ecounter many DUMB ASSES.

I cannot give away the airline name (unfortunately, before I beocome a DUMB ASS myself and get sued or something) but this is how it went:

I am taking care of an unusual early morning departure. Now for those who don't know- and people who typically take the "Greyhound" that are now taking up "jet setting" :
When you are going out on an INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT, please be certain you have you VISAS and your PASSPORT is not expired, before you are proclaimed "Dumb Ass of the hour"

Suddenly I see a very angry looking mother with two small children. The first thing she tells me is "YOU ARE NOT STOPPING ME FROM GOING TO XXXXXXXXXX"

'Okay'... I'm thinking.

"Passports and ticket please" I say with a fake smile.

"HERE!" she slams down 3 passports and 3 USED BOARDING PASSES FROM ANOTHER AIRLINE!

"Ma'am, I need your ticket...paper ticket..." I replied nicely....

"WELL THAT IS MY TICKET!" she yells....

"No Ma'am, I need one of these (I pull out a used paper ticket from my drawer)"

"CAN'T YOU USE THE CONFRIMATION NUMBER TO PULL UP MY TICKET!?"

(then I went to check with my manager, came back...with the answer she really wanted to hear...)

"No Ma'am, you purchased a paper ticket, therefore I need that paper ticket. Your reserevation is not electronic."

Then, being a great role model for her children, she throws down her bags and cries like hell; while other passengers stare and giggle. (remember this when you decide to make a spectacle of yourself like all dumb asses do)

"What should I do?????" she wails. I try to be nice and told her to "look for it".

Then she proceeds to tell me I am mean, rude and a jerk. Mind you, I was extremely professional... yet in my mind I'm thinking "WHAT A DUMB ASS".

Having had small children myself, I do know enough that importaint items shall never be handed to the kids. Kids are also watching every move you make because that's how they LEARN how to ACT in certain situations.

Then she finally yells at my manager. That was the last straw. My manager told her bluntly that she needs to go and get her ticket re issued by the airline she bought it from. Oh, and when do they open? 2 hrs after this flight departs!


Last I seen her she was wailing in the airport while her 9 year old son was trying to BE THE ADULT and comfort her...............

A Dedication

This blog is created in dedication to ALL of the DUMB ASSES in the world that make my day.

This idea was incepted by my dad who's favorite words in the whole wide world is "HEY, DUMB ASS!"

It got to the point where I started to think my name was "Dumb Ass" if it wasn't for my mother calling me by my real name.


As an adult I have seen many many many dumb things. Just recently, I noticed someone parked backwards in a parking lot where the lines to park the car was angled, and this person parked just any way he wanted to so other people can't park there.

Prime example of being a DUMB ASS.