Dumb ass Accident - revisited

One of my friends was driving his beater- a nasty old Station Wagon ... ( remember those?)

(those girls there are probably saying "kick ass ride....." )


Well my friend was driving down the street and stopped at a 4 way stop.

Right when he was about to go and enter the intersection..................

HE got rear ended!

So he does the usual thing when we get into an accident... go see if the person in the other car is allright and do a quick inspection of the car.

Either cars have no scratches.

He was just about to tell the lady it was "okay" and let's go on our seperate ways when she said ...


NO! WE NEED TO CALL THE COPS! RIGHT AWAY!




She was obviously on something.....................




my friend kept on telling her that there was no damage on the car and they can go on their seperate ways........

but no..............



WE MUST HAVE THE POLICE HERE!




So when the police arrive he asks for the usual stuff:

"Registration and Insurance card please."

My friend provides his ....

and the lady........


"Oh I dunno............."


"What do you mean you don't know"

" Well, This isn't my car"

"Well who's car is it?"

"Is that drug paraphanellia in the passenger seat?"

(it was as if an episode of "cops" was playing infront of my friend)

The policeman told my friend he could go.... while he questioned this girl further.

All I can say is.......

should of listened to Nancy Reagan!

Dumb Ass way to get an upgrade

For those of you who try to get great airline deals- don't go to a doctor and tell him to write YOU a note to give an AIRLINE EMPLOYEE recomending that YOU, in your sick state of health SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO AN UPGRADE.





Kid you not, that actually happened.




If you try this, we airline employees will be talking about you and laughing about you for years.

ahhhhhhhh another comeback I regret saying.

Now the company I use to work for are probably HAPPY I resigned. But then again, there are people WORSE out there.............


One fine morning I had to work a 5am departure.

If you are in the Airline biz, working as a Flight Attendant or a Pilot- this means a 3:15 am show or pick up from the layover hotel.

- sometimes we work really long hours........

ANYHOW I was working a 5AM departure.

WORKING for an UN-NAMED AMERICAN CARRIER, from a city in Canada, destined to an unmentionable city in the GOOD O'L U.S. of A.

And I was definately NOT IN THE MOOD to deal with some SMART ASS, especially 4AM.

Here I was, around 4:15 am...... greeting passengers like an automaton with my fake "bright white" smile while I was passing out pillows, ect.

and one seemingly calm and collected passenger asked me a normal, simple question:

"Are we getting breakfast on this flight?"

Being very tired, I sort of remember that we were catered with cereal.

I, continuing on with my "bright white" fake smile- I replied:

"I believe we are, and I think it's cereal."

Now suddenly............. I was mesmorized ............... as if by magic, this passenger's face was morphing... it was turning RED... face conTORting from a smile to a frown .... and with that he replied in a really loud voice:

WHAT!!!!

THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!


ALL CANADIAN AIRLINES SERVE HOT MEALS!


AIR CANADA IS FAR NICER! CANADA 3000 HAS THEM TOO!


Canada is good, canada is superior, ect. ect. ect.


I totally was not in the mood to deal with him on this so what was my simple, non offending reply?


















"Well Sir, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES!"

Dumb Ass taking a Joy Ride

Ahhhhhhhh................ Highschool................... remember those days?

This dumb ass story is about what my friend "Tina" did when we were in high school.


Tina was one of those "bad girls" who did fun things like smoking after school, stealing things from stores, ect. and obnoxious....

Anyhow, she lived in a house like this one, where the Garage roof is supported by those thin wooden beams


Tina also lived on a busy street where our high school buses usually passed....

One fine day, Tina was going around telling us proudly that since HER PARENTS are going to be out of town, she's going to drive her mom's BEAUTIFUL NEW MR2 Toyota to school.


ALTHOUGH she never had much experience DRIVING she promised everyone that TOMORROW she will drive this baby to SCHOOL.




REMEMBER kids!(Parents out of town + leaving known trouble making kid at home UNSUPERVISED = trouble)





But there is a PROBLEM.

In this two car garage, her dad had left some boxes on one side of the garage. So the cars were parked one behind the other....

NOW guess what kind of car was parked behind the MR2?

A BIG HUGE CHEVY ASTRO VAN........

Knowing that she just HAD to somehow get that MR 2 to school.... she attempts to move the Astro Van out of the garage so she can take the MR 2 to school.........

So she takes the keys...........

puts it in reverse......




and knocks the wooden pillar down.


Causing the whole garage to collapse like a pancake..............

The roof not only damaged the Van..........



but also......


The MR 2................


AND at that moment, the school bus full of high school kids from our school drives by.......



(and everyone knew that was Tina's house....................)





Lesson for teenage kids: Don't be bragging about you're going to do something like driving when you cant. Be yourself. Don't be a dumb ass.

A sassy Flight Attendant and a dumb ass

Once upon a time, I use to be a flight attendant.

Who me??

Unfortunately yes.

(AND I will NEVER reveal the airline NOR say anything bad about them.......... nonetheless...here is my story)

While working I always conducted myself in a professional manner...however sometimes I do get pushed to my limits.

One day, I was working a 17 hr duty day- with my last flight- MY 6th LEG of the night- was at 11pm. I was pooped. The last thing I wanted that night was to deal with some smart ass.

During boarding I noticed a group of rowdy men who had been drinking. Being that it was 11pm, I presumed they were "safe" and I had no concern of them causing problems with me on the flight......

Boy was I WRONG!

While I was speedily doing my drink service (everyone was asleep) the biggest most fattest guy in that group was still up.

Although I was 3 rows away from him... he bellowed out in a loud voice:




"CAN I GET A FREE BEER???????"



With that urgent request to keep up his beer belly physique, he awoke just about the whole plane full of passengers up.

By the look of their faces, they were pretty annoyed....

and not only that, they were looking at me to see what kind of response I would say........

and being that it was LATE

It was PAST 11pm

I worked over 17 hrs straight (this does not include the time I took to get ready and be at the airport) I was in no mood ..........

My Reply?


"YOU AREN'T CUTE ENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUGH!" I exclaimed back.

-and you know...people were laughing..... even his friends who also WOKE UP because of him....

Dumb Ass Deafness

I must say before you read this and judge me, I by no means have anything against people who are unfortunate (or fortunate- however you look at it) from being deaf. After 12 years of working at the airport, I often wonder myself... "HUH?"

Anyhow, here is the story- as told to me by an ex........


He grew up in a neighborhood full of boys around his age...(9-12 yrs old at the time) and they would go around doing funny pranks and play with things that makes alot of NOISE (like FIRECRACKER!)

They had a deaf friend, and his name was Todd.

One day Todd was introduced to the wonderful world of FIREWORKS. He loved the pretty colors they emit, and especially interested in what it can blow up.

One day the group started to blow up things for fun. Stick it on a tail of a cat and see what happens.

Stick it in a car muffler and see what happens.

Todd was fixated with things exploding. Usually he kind of went sort of dangerously close to what they were about to blow up. Perhaps he wanted to feel the "vibrations".

After running out things to blow up, Todd had a bright idea as he was walking on someone's lawn...... inspired........




why not stick it in...




NICE GOOEY DOG SHIT!


The other boys watched in sheer terror as Todd sticks in a tiny little pop-pop bomb carefully (so not to get shit on his hands) and lights it up.........


the other boys start to run.............. while poor Todd, who wanted to feel the "vibration" of the explosion put his face near the dogshit and watched.....................................................................................................................................................................

(poor Todd.....)

More Secret Santa Stories

Well I don't think this story qualifies as a "dumb ass" story ; quite actually as a "smart ass" story.....


Again, we had ANOTHER "Secret Santa" Christmas party.

(like we didn't learn from the last one)

That year we were all gathered formally at a resturant. Dressed nice.... sitting at tables, idly chatting.....


There was one lady, a co worker present who was a real "SMART ASS"

...someone who cut people down and liked to tease people relentlessly....

many people disliked her....

but she didn't care. She was pretty funny though...

To the left of the "smart ass" co worker was a "nice lady"

The "nice lady" opened up her present to find a nice tea set ...

obviously cost more than the $15 dollars we were required to spend on our "Secret Santa Surprise" gift........





To the right, another lady opened up her gift. It was a very nice Christian Dior cosmetic pouch.

-again obviously costing more than $15........


Now the Smart Ass lady's eyes glistened.

She had a glowing "aura" about her....

(I was sitting across from her and watched this unfold... )

Giddy with excitement and looking like she was about to piss all over herself, she exclaimed: "I wonder what I got!"

and with a huge cheshire smile on her face......


She pulled it out of the box............





and it was.........





The BIGGEST TUBE OF



hemorrhoid cream for women I had ever saw!

I never knew one for women existed....but I know now!